Four Communication Styles Highly Successful People Avoid

World-renowned psychotherapist and researcher Dr John Gottman describes the four dangerous communication styles as “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” in the relationship world.

They are criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

1. Criticism happens very often in the workplace and our daily life.

An example around couples is “You never do the housework. It was me that had to deal with all the chores, running around the house.”

Or we often hear behind-the-door office complains like “I don’t understand why Tom always comes late to meetings. He never finishes his assigned work on time and we had to remind him again and again. He also asks too many questions, doesn’t he see that every one of us are busy as hell and we need help?

2. Contempt is a destructive escalation of criticism.

Contempt is often used along with sarcasm and name-calling, mean body language such as eye-rolling or scoffing. Contemptuous statements are rooted in a position of entitlement or superiority. It is not uncommon seeing senior manager to use harsh and destructive comments against their peers as ways of attacking people’s traits rather than critiquing their work.

3. Defensiveness is a way people use to put off responsibilities.

When issues arise, some people are scared of being attacked and rush to find excuses to release their anxiety.

A typical defensive response is “It is Jen’s fault that we are not able to notice the mistakes in the drawings. She always sends me her work last minute and I didn’t have time to check her work. We are in big trouble because of her.” Instead of sharing the responsibilities, defensive people blame others first.

4. Stonewalling is a stronger defensiveness to avoid conflicts and delay communications.

Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall turning away from their partners, shutting down because of their lack of effective communication skills.

Being able to identify these four negative behavior styles will prepare you to think about strategies that solve the issues directly and effectively.

Originally published at https://2minutesgrowth.com on January 15, 2021.